Tuesday, April 28, 2015

On Tears for Pink Baby Clothes; Losing a Daughter

I've been pretty quiet on this blog lately. A lot has happened and while it may look like things are happy go lucky for me according to my insta posts, it hasn't all been like that if I'm honest. We've had happy, very happy times as a little family, with a fun loving toddler and new pup around my home...but on the inside my heart is heavy and bleeding out from yet another major loss.

was going to have another baby this Fall. A girl.

Her name was April. We wanted to give her a beautiful spring name
to honor her short beautiful, life here.

And I can't stop the dull ache that acknowledges the loss of her from making me feel like my heart is slowly bleeding out.

I thought because I had already gone through hell and back with losing my dad I was somehow exempt from miscarrying. God would never have me go through it. I had already paid my dues in that i rationalized, if you can even call it that.

Oh but how wrong I was. How very wrong I was. 

I started bleeding the very beginning of spring and we were supposed to hear a heartbeat that week but never did. I stopped showing and was fitting my old clothes again. I knew something was different, something didn't feel right.

My suspicion was confirmed. "This is an abnormal pregnancy that will result in miscarriage. I'm so sorry." The u/s technician confirmed and coldly left the room. But she didn't have to say that for me to know. I had known already from the black, blank space revealed on the screen that day and from having bled that week. Mother's intuition, if that's what you call it. And they didn't have to tell me the baby would've been a girl because in the stale air of the room, before the miscarriage was confirmed, the Holy Spirit had already revealed that to me too I felt in my praying for this baby I'd never get to know. 

Why did this happen to me...I just want to know why. The why is what ignites a bitter fire of jealousy in me when I see a pregnant woman now, baby announcements in the mail or pink baby clothes. It's not that I'm unhappy for them, I am ecstatic and filled with joy for them and want to share those happy moments with them...it's just that I wanted to be where they are at too.

Why am I having to tread through these hard waters of grief again? Why was my body "broken" for this baby and not working like every other healthy mother I see out there this time? Why my daughter Lord?

My Son.

And I don't want God to go there. Not there...sometimes I just want to feed the grief and instead He acknowledges me in my sadness, jealousy, bitterness and this season of being barren, reminding me He's been there too, with His child, His Son.

He knows my pain, to lose a child. He knows, more than anyone. He can relate to me, which I can't decide if that makes me more frustrated or comforted in this time. But I know that one thing is for sure that God can take a "mother's wrath". There is no such wrath from a being He cannot hold on His shoulders as if it weighs nothing to Him. "Come to me all you who are weary and I will give you rest"

And do I ever need rest. I need and want to be carried by the One who understands me in my hurt and in the times of prayer where I feel like shaking my fists at Him, even in my anger I want Him to carry me when I cry out. 

I am so angry inside for all the loss I've had to endure so young in my life. I hate that whenever people ask me about my parents I have to go through telling people I don't have a dad anymore and when people ask me when we're going to have more kids that I feel that hole of losing a child again. I hate having to explain to people who knew I was pregnant why I don't feel sick anymore and why I've lost weight. And most of all, I hate when I get bitter towards the people who don't know what to say to me and are just trying to be nice but it comes out wrong..."God has a plan" or "you're young, you can have more babies" and "at least it was early on and you didn't know her" and "wow you're so strong" as if it's something in me to be admired, all the muck I've gone through.

And I feel like saying "Yeah well I wanted this baby. Regardless of whatever plan that may be, that's how I feel. So don't talk to me about God's plan when you don't know what it's like to have two big bombs of deep loss dropped on you in 4 years...just don't please."

I'm not angry at people for not understanding. I try and use empathy where it's needed when people say things like what I just mentioned above, because they really don't understand so I can't be mad for something they haven't been through and don't get. I know they are just trying to show kindness, even when it comes out utterly wrong in my eyes. And so I keep that in mind. But it still hurts. And now I understand what the women in the Bible who struggled with not having babies felt too. But God was faithful to them, even with their raw emotions toward Him too, He was faithful in the storm to them.

So I'm in that Storm. And if I'm honest with myself, I was in denial about the storm the first few years after losing dad and I didn't start to grieve him til recently either. And now, the storm just got so much bigger.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!
31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,”he said, “why did you doubt?”
32 And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. 33 Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”

This is how my story will end though. Like Peter, I have become afraid of the winds blowing at me. I let myself sink and have started to sink in so many ways, I have cried out to God in fear, bitterness and anger in all of this.
But Jesus reached out His hand and caught me. In this time when my faith feels like a small, pathetic, bitterness-filled seed. 
I don't understand why all of these things have happened, the only explanation that comes to my mind is that we live in a fallen world and horrible things happen, and I don't believe that God makes them happen for His amusement. I don't believe that for a second. I believe He is in control. And He knows my hurt and loves I go to Him when I'm raw and brutally honest with Him.
I know, like this verse, that my time of the winds dying down in this storm will come for me. I don't know when but I know that God has helped me be calm and helped me be still when all of these overwhelming emotions come. And I can't help but worship Him and be so grateful for that. I would sink otherwise.
I miss my baby, my daughter April, but I know I will meet her someday. I know that she is experiencing that joy of living with the one true eternal One right in this moment and that makes me breathe easy. It was an honor to have carried her for such a short time and I long for the day I will get to know her in Heaven as her mother. And I know that maybe in this time she will be getting to know her grandfather, my dad, too. I know her story and life has a happy ending already, and nothing satisfies me more as her mother knowing that.
I'm sorry, loved one, if I have been bitter, angry and faked a smile to you over something. I am sorry that I have withdrawn from things and retreated to staying home just so I don't have to go out and fake emotions I'm not actually feeling. I'm sorry that if something wonderful has been going on I might not seem like I care or am celebrating with you right now. But I'm just trying to make it through the day, pouring all my energy into my son during the day, whom I treasure even more than ever now. I'm exhausted, and trying to grieve while parenting, renovating, upkeeping and selling a home and nurturing my marriage is all I can handle right now. I do my best but that's all I can handle at the moment.
So I've been quiet on this blog and my facebook page i now think has become a fakebook picture of the inside of my heart. I am happy, I'm not a depressed raincloud 24.7 and I know when to grasp at happiness when it comes my way, but I've also got an aching heart I'm dealing with and I'm sorry if you've been a victim of it's collateral damage. I am deeply sorry.
My story will end well and the season of rest will come, I know that its coming around in a matter of time. And when it does, I am going to soak it in. But for now, I'm embracing the storm and the waves going on, even if it stings and I'm trying to deal in a healthy way by being honest with God and the people I know and love around me.
I know that my Redeemer has outstretched His hands to me...and I'm going to be okay


1 comment:

  1. Sarah, this is so raw, and honest, and beautiful. Your faith through the pain is inspiring. I am still praying for you. Rachel C.