Friday, December 4, 2015

When you ask when another one is coming...

I have been getting asked a lot lately "So, when is another one coming?". And I've been trying so hard not to wince at the words that cause me some sadness right now...but it's only because I want to shout with joy "SOON!" to them, but I can't right now.

And that's okay...I'm finally okay with that and accept that at this point in time.

I think this is probably one of the many drafts that might actually make a post on here. I can't tell you how many times I've written up something and then reread, rewritten and then decided to delete it, in fear of sounding ridiculous or too honest.

But the truth is, we've wanted to add another little one to the family since last year and since then, I've posted about my second pregnancy that ended in miscarriage...and now I'm posting about my third pregnancy that has also recently ended in miscarriage.

I prayed I think everyday before this third pregnancy happened that "God, would you please let this one not be born into Heaven but here on Earth? That I could hold this baby for real in my arms and raise him or her to know and love you?"

I even prayed aloud the scripture in 2 Samuel Hannah's prayer over this baby. I was incredibly hopeful that my miscarriage with our little girl was just 'bad luck' (I don't believe in luck but you understand what i'm saying). I was so so hopeful over the next pregnancy and miscarriage happening again didn't even cross my mind.

And it wasn't long after that positive test that I started to have pains and bleeding again, and I knew...

I've had so many tests done, scans done, talk of being a potential 'high risk case' and uncomfortable questions asked by doctors over the course of those hard weeks. It was so defeating and was hard not to dwell on all the information given to me at the appointment and treatment options. And it was hard not to dwell on the hard thought of "maybe this is God's way of saying it's just not the right time".

That thought/statement given above ^ ^ ^ I don't believe it for a second. I believe that our God is great and sovereign, but I also know that He loves beyond measure and I know that He calls children a 'gift' and 'blessing'. I don't believe that it was in His will for me to lose my babies because of that, it doesn't line up with His character or what He says about babies. And I've come to know firsthand through my miscarriages truly the effects of living in a fallen world of sin and death. I've come to know the horribleness, the ripple-effect of the sin of Adam and Eve why it is so sad that God's plan for man to dwell in the garden with Him didn't work out. 

With Adam and Eve's sin coming into the world, our bodies became flawed and death entered the world, though when God made us and the world, before sin entered, "God saw all that He made and said "It is good"" (Gen. 1:31). He said it is good! And because of sin, tragedies such as miscarriage happen. Death happens because of sin.

I believe that if we lived in the garden still, that my babies would have lived. But what is truly sweet and gives me hope in the midst of knowing that, is that Christ came to mend this very thing. He came to give life and be love in a world where tragedies like my miscarriages, the attacks in Paris and other bad world news happens. 

In the midst of tragedy, people ask where Jesus is. But what they don't know is He's right there, standing in the midst of your tragedy. He's right there and if you would just take the time to pause and listen to the words He's already given you through scripture and what He already has done for you on the cross, it might change your may even give you Hope.

And beloved, that's what I am doing. That is where I find peace and acceptance through all of this. I can wake up and face another doctor's appointment and get through people asking me when another baby is coming, because I am looking at Him and what He did. It has nothing to do with my strength or positive mantra-thinking. I'm listening for and to Him, waiting and trying not to dwell in my devastation. I am praying, and the more I pray, the more communicating with this awesome God has changed me. I am looking at the fact that He is able to restore all things and be our Help in hard times. 

Jesus is my Hope. And while it hurts I won't get to raise two babies here on Earth, I am thankful for my son Kellen and thankful for the relationship the Lord has cultivated with me during this time of mourning and looking forward. I don't know I'd be where I am today if I didn't let Him work in the nooks and crannies of my heart, the places I didn't want Him to go at first in regards to the losses I've experienced with losing my dad and these two babies. But I am letting Him, and while it can be hard, it is so sweet on the other side. Like a good wine; it begins bitter but the end result is very sweet.

With patience, peace and acceptance I know that God will give us another baby someday. I don't know what that looks like right now but I know that Our God loves children, because He gave us one awesome, cute little man to enjoy! It is such a pleasure to watch our Kellen grow and even enjoy yelling "Ahh men!" after praying over meals, and then wanting us to pray just so he can say amen again (he's already a prayerful little guy hehe). So I am enjoying every moment and will continue to enjoy every moment I've been given with him, even when we are blessed with another little person in our family <3. 

I know that it'll be okay, that I'll be okay and that there is a God in Heaven who understands, loves and cares for us so deeply when it comes to the things that we face here on Earth. And when we are blessed with another bundle, He will be the only explanation for it and will be given the glory and praise.

In Regards,


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