Thursday, September 22, 2016

A letter to my second son [a not-bumpdate]

So I've officially failed at documenting this pregnancy (insert face palm here). Oops! But I cannot deny that literally the last thing I have wanted to do since Kellen entered into this world it seems is be blogging. It's a wonderful thing to do but lately I just can't commit to the time. Once that boy naps (or as of lately plays happily in his crib during what should be naptime hehe), it's time for this mother to put her feet up or do house work [or get caught up on the Bachelor/Bachelorette...guilty ;) ).

Anyway, I thought I'd try to do a bumpdate but instead of doing it in the style I normally did Kellen's, I thought I'd be a bit vulnerable and share something a little bit personal that I wrote as a letter for this little bundle to read one day. I am very excited to meet our son any day now and look forward to him changing our lives, what a gift he already is. So here is the letter...

To my second little prince,

As I have these last mornings with just your big brother Kellen and I, I can't help but think about the journey we have been on to finally get to you and where we are now in my last days of being pregnant with you. I think about the roots of this journey, when I felt God stirring my heart to echo the same prayer Hannah did for her son, the prophet Samuel, and how I prayed it daily, sometimes many times a day, whenever I wanted you, another baby. "Lord Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant's misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son/daughter, then I will give them to you for all the days of their life..." (1 Samuel 1:11, altered to my situation a little bit). 

You see my son, you are proof that God hears the prayers and remembers His ones who pour out their hearts to Him as I did each day in our struggle to have you. He remembered me. He saw and felt the vulnerability of my heart through every bad doc appointment, through the miscarriages, through the times I felt the sting of every pregnancy announcement, through the times I savored some of your brother's infant habits, letting them go on a little longer than normal because I just didn't know if we'd have another infant in the house at times.

God remembered us. I knew He would it just was a matter of how and when. We thought we'd try one last time after the last miscarriage happened and if that didn't work, that we would adopt. And we were okay with whatever God wanted for us in the means of growing our family, even if it looked differently than what we imagined. We would either grow a baby in my heart or in my womb and we were grateful either way. We knew He would remember us because He is a good Father who loves His kids and knows their hearts.

I took a test that winter and found out you were coming in October 2016!

"...and the Lord remembered her."

Little prince, God has been faithful to us and given us you and I've been given the honor of being able to grow you with my own physical body. You are a miracle. You are the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. And we are so close to now meeting you!

And then I think about the day we found out you, our little person, was on their way and how I was so overwhelmed with thankfulness. I then began to pray "God, please give me a Jonathan for my David, a best friend to run alongside Kellen just as they were". I meant you could be either a girl or a boy, I just wanted someone Kellen could live life fully with and to be best friends with. But I should've known you'd be a boy, after all, God not only remembered and heard me, He delighted in a prayer that now looking back on it was probably geared more towards the bond of brothers--a brotherhood. Because that's exactly what will happen--Kellen will have you as a brother, a built-in best friend someday:)

It all feels like a dream sometimes and not real (in the respect that things are going to be very different soon in our family soon) even though I feel very big now and you are weighing very heavy inside these days! Sometimes I wake up and my heart just overflows with happiness because I will have two little boys, have been blessed with two little babies here on earth, and I can just hardly contain myself and the happiness. I literally wake up and tell your dad how if I was a cup i'd be spilling over constantly! I'm just elated and cannot wait to meet you, get to know you and your habits--what you sound like when you sleep, who's eyes and nose you have, if you have the same big cheeks and dimples like your big brother and to see your personality blossom and unfold before our very eyes. 

I will admit, as wonderful as it's been to have the honor of carrying you, I'm very much ready to be done with pregnancy. I'm not one of those mothers that enjoys it despite the struggle to stay pregnant and I've learned to be ok with that--but it's mostly because I am so eager to meet the little one. And I'm very much looking forward to meeting you after all this waiting the past few years.  I'm looking forward to watching you grow up and raising you. I look forward to watching you and Kellen become great friends and to you boys getting into things together even, going on adventures and giggling in your room together late at night when you should be sleeping. I look forward to all the things we will get to do together as a family of four--holidays, family get togethers, camping, days spent at the beach or spent snowshoeing in the winter... 

I look forward to all the milestones you'll have in this first year, and don't be surprised when i hold on a little longer and tighter to them because now I know how quickly you will grow and how these times will be more precious than anything in the world (I've mentioned to your dad the day you start to try and walk I may sit you back on your little butt just because that means you will be getting older on me hehe).

"Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from Him."...those words have never been more true for me than these days. Little prince, you and your brother are a reward from God and don't you ever forget it. Don't ever doubt it. You have been prayed fervently for and wanted so much. You are treasured, your brother and you. You are gifts and you are blessed! 

It's my hope that your dad and I raise you up to stand firm on that truth--that you are treasured and blessed. I know we will not always get it right in parenting you, but it is our hope that you would at least realize how unconditional our love and God's love is for you boys. That you would be raised up to know your worth is found in Christ and that He always has a plan for your life (as cliche that sounds), even if things are not panning out how you envisioned they would. He has a plan and you just have to be patient and know you are secure in His love and our's. Because that's enough at the end of the day if there's one thing I've learned on this journey to get to you--that Christ is enough and you are loved and remembered and wanted.

Love your mother and biggest cheerleader (as nana and grandpa Rusty used to say to me as a girl),


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